… i agreed to go to work today without asking who would be working. Turns out, he was. I tried my best not to cry and started scratching and pinching my arm. I’m glad he didnt notice because now it’s all red along my arm and kind of bleeding. yes.. i know. Dont be sad, be glad it ever happened between us. I am glad. He was worth everything Ive done for him. It’s just I had the chance to start over and work this out together. I made a mistake and I regret it.

oh gosh.. the feeling is here again. The feeling that comes visit me once in awhile… I miss him… I miss him so much. I know there’s nothing I can do now… that I have to move on… but why does it have to be so hard? I wish I could show him how much he still means to me, tell him to stay, be able to hold his hand again… have his arms around me. I want to be there for him thick or thin… he’s the one Im willing to lose sleep for, go home late every day just to see him and joke around. This is my very first broken heart. No matter how much I try to put myself back together I end up falling apart again. I dont know how to deal with this… I pretend to be fine around him… but when he’s not looking I look at him and pretend he still cared. I wouldn’t want him to know about all this I’m going through… knowing him, he’ll feel guilty and pity me… and I don’t want pity. I wondered how it all would’ve turned out if he had kept all his promises… one thing for sure, we couldve been happy together.

I regret everything I’ve done. If he still has feelings for me, that’s all I need to work with. We would work hard together and make it through this. If we made it through this, we would’ve been so happy together… but no, he’s gone already.

I would much rather had broken all of my limbs. At least that wouldve healed by now. im a real mess, i seem okay in front of everyone… but im a big pile of mess. I’m here waiting for him to go online… but he isn’t. I know he’s going to hk soon with his gf and its eating me alive. who am i to him?… I really want to know. Am i just someone he talks to when he’s bored? do i still mean something to him?… i still love him so much, and thats the only reason im fighting against all urges of spilling everything to his gf. I love him, and I know it’s wrong.

if only i didnt write that post, that lied about me getting over him the posts that were trying to make myself feel better bc I was so much more attached to him than i knew myself, the posts that was meant to push him away so he would fight for me… except it did the exact opposite. I regret it, i regret ever pressing “create post”… I regret going too overboard. if i could start over i would want to tell him.. “lets get through this together, no matter how hard… because you mean so much to me. I love you so much bb” he was worth everything i gave up for. he still is.

the truth… I want to kill myself. I’m not even exaggerating… if I wasn’t such a coward I would’ve found a way by now probably. I’m sick of feeling this way… I’m sick of feeling miserable and regret every single second after he left me. I feel like someone had put the greatest weight on my chest and I can’t breathe… no one knows what I’m going through. Not to this extent anyway. So here are my choices… I keep going… I get help from medicine… or I end it. But this feeling is just sometimes… even if it’s just sometimes its unbearable… I dont know. I dont want to burden anyone with what I’m dealing with… maybe thats the only reason why I’m writing in here. When it becomes so unbearable I can just let it all out here instead of telling anyone. I have no right to even tell him what I’m going through. I’ll get through this… I will.

it’s a constant cycle. I think I found out his gf is going to hk with him. Why does it still matter to me and why does it still hurt?

today I smelled pho in my car… it reminded me of the time he tried to surprise me with pho but i sniffed it out right away when i stepped into his car. And then that reminded me of the time when I was sick… he tucked me into his couch and went out to buy me congee without me knowing. The christmas night we spent together… the new years we spent together… All we went through together, waiting on him for one whole year… and he makes me feel like all that meant nothing to him although he says differently. I know I can never measure up to his gf who has been with him for 5 years… 6 years now and I’m not saying I love him more than she does, but no one can deny that I love him with all my heart. If I didn’t… I wouldn’t have stayed with him and endured all that pain, I would’ve left and avoided it all like a logical person would’ve done. but i didnt… i stayed and no matter how much I tell anyone otherwise… I still love him and it still hurts knowing she’s going back to hk with him.

its hard to believe a year ago, we were almost inseparable, happy.

I’m so sorry andrew… I’m really sorry I gave up on you so many times. I know it wouldn’t change anything but I’m so sorry.

is it possible to like someone you’ve met for only 1 hour…. in the dark… in a club? Maybe bc I shared an intimate moment with him… he asked for my number, texted once and doesn’t text me… but i like him for some reason. How illogical and unreasonable is that? Whenever I think about sat I get embarrassed but can’t help but smile… I’m not the kind of person who would get intimate with some random stranger but I was pretty intoxicated that night… I don’t know, he has my number… if he wants he’ll text me, if he doesn’t… well thats too bad I guess…

Im crying 5 minutes to my birthday… he didnt reply to my msn msg… not even for my birthday present? Not even a hi. I cant take it… one of the happiest days of last year was exactly a year ago. A year from then… everything, gone… here in the saddest point of my life. I think I can’t hold all this in anymore, with my sanity already gone I don’t know what I can do. My life is already such a mess.

My friend msged me on msn and wanted to talk to me kus he was having relationship troubles. I talked to him… but I started crying myself while trying to comfort him… sigh. Its my birthday in a few hours, I’m suppose to be happy… why am I not? Why am I as miserable as before? I remembered a year ago I was still with him and he threw me the best birthday I could’ve ever had. It was simple but perfect: a cake, a night with him at his place and a present that made me cry. I cried kus it was the first present he’s ever given me… I was touched. What’s more is that I’m having thoughts about hurting myself again… this day out of all days. I just want this all to end… I miss him so much. I never knew it was physically possible to feel this way… until I met him. I want to be there for him, share his grief, lighten his burden… I know how he’s struggling right now… but under these circumstances I cant… just being there for him makes me happy already… I miss him, but he doesn’t miss me back

I think I’m going to ask Betina about the medicine she took… I really need it right now. Antidepressants?

today, I was watching a drama and I got too upset to watch it. I was jealous. Sigh… this is getting so ridiculous I’m starting to laugh at myself. Just reading this makes me sound crazy… sigh. Do you think a mental hospital will take me in? or maybe even I’m too much for them lol. I’m trying to make myself happy, it hurts he doesn’t talk to me but I’m trying my best. I still believe in him, I don’t believe that his feelings for me has completely disappeared. It’s just that it wasn’t enough for him to be with me. So much time has passed, and not even a little bit of my feelings have disappeared for him. I believe in him. I know it’s silly, but I do. I know he was sincere from the very start… he’s not a bad guy. I don’t want to pressure him… so I’m not going to tell him about my feelings and just pretend I’m okay even though I’m obviously not.

I couldn’t wake up today. I felt miserable again so I stayed in bed. Can time really help me forget this and make me feel better? But it seems einstein was right; time moves at different speeds. When I was with him last year… the time went by so fast bc I was so happy… The time we separated.. it feels like it wasn’t real when I was with him last night… but it was the longest period of time I have ever spent. What am I going to do with myself? I’ll keep pretending I’m fine. I want him back so much, but I know I can’t… I miss him… so much.